Table of Contents
Meet Tiffany! She is currently volunteering some of her time with The Nurse Break (click link to learn how you can to), helping with editing and content creation with our guest contributors. She currently works as a Registered Nurse in a Major Melbourne Public Hospital on a combined cardiology, cardiothoracic and trauma ward.
Check out all the other MUST READ student and graduate nurse related articles HERE!
My Imposter Syndrome
When I was asked to write this blog, my first instinct was ‘Nope’. For me, the start to my nursing career was somewhat tumultuous and I felt like I was unique with my experience but the more I ask around, the more I realise I am not unique and there is an abundance of graduates out there who found the first few weeks or months of their program extremely challenging.
‘Imposter syndrome’ is described as intense feelings of fraudulence and self-doubt in the face of success. It is common, particularly in environments where intellect is central to success, and it, therefore, thrives in academic contexts. Imposter syndrome often appears among nurses who transition from to education to practice, but also among newly qualified nurses and those who progress within the profession. It has destructive effects on psychological wellbeing and professional development.”
So now is the time to share…
Currently, I am nearing the conclusion of my 12-month graduate placement on a cardiac ward for a major Melbourne hospital but leading up to my start in January, I really didn’t think I’d even get the chance to start. A snowball of emotionally and physically taxing events including a bereavement lead to missed placement, cancelled trips to see family overseas, makeup placement and my registration only arriving 3 days before my start date.
I’d never been in a position where I had to choose career over family and in the months leading to the start of my grad year, I had chosen nursing over my family repeatedly. As you can imagine, I was not in an ideal place to start a new job, let alone a new career in a new hospital I’d never had a placement in, in a new city away from everyone. I kept telling myself I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t able, I wasn’t meant to be here, on this graduate program, surely, they made a mistake. My first few weeks would further reaffirm my feelings.
My dream job or a complete nightmare?
My first 15 odd shifts on the floor were a new kind of hell and all the while I was still thinking, I’m not meant to be here. People kept saying to me that the ward was not normally like this and acuity was just super high but all I could think about was that there has been three code blues and a MET call every day in my first two weeks and that I was not cut out for this, I wasn’t prepared by my degree for this, I didn’t know enough about anything for this, except I did.
I kept convincing myself I was a rubbish nurse, except I wasn’t. I felt like I was slowly suffocating in this place I shouldn’t be allowed to be. Like who made me the responsible adult here? What were they thinking? They made a mistake for sure. Except they didn’t. I kept getting extremely flushed and sweaty, so sweaty.
At this point, I had no idea what imposter syndrome was, and I had no idea how anyone could work themselves out of this hole I’d somehow accidentally dug for myself. My clinical practice was suffering because I had convinced myself I shouldn’t be doing this job and my mental health was suffering from the events in my private life and I honestly felt like I was breaking and there was no way to fix it, but there was.
Enter the amazing clinical support nurses (CSN)…
The CSN on my ward asked me how I felt I was going one day, and I just whispered to her ‘I am dying inside’. She immediately took me aside and with a firm, but the supportive presence and asked me to explain what was going on and I did explain, tears and all. I explained I knew I was a better nurse than this, but I just didn’t feel like a nurse at all. My time planning was shot, I was apprehensive to approach my colleagues, I relied heavily on my preceptor to escalate my own patient concerns and I did not want to complete simple procedures that were expected of me.
Immediately, the CSN asked me what I needed, and I couldn’t exactly answer which felt like a whole new kind of failure. But this CSN spent time with me, she forced me (in a good way) to open up about everything that was going on in my life and in my mind and then she helped me figure out what it was I needed and so began the weekly meetings.
It would have been easy to see these meeting as a negative and a reflection on the fact I really shouldn’t have been allowed to be a nurse but the support I received from my ward and the CSN’s once I was honest about what was going on overshadowed absolutely everything else. I think somewhere along the line, I forgot that the graduate programme was there to develop me both as a professional but also personally and to help me thrive.
I forgot that I was not alone in this journey and that there was support out there. I needed a lot of reminding at first…
The NUM and the CSN’s developed a plan which listed all the things to do during a shift. It would have been really easy to treat this as my ultimate failure, especially with all the self-doubt, but I was never made to feel that way at all by anyone. The plan, it made me feel supported and made me feel ever so slightly more confident that I was getting things done and that I could do this.
The CSN put me in touch with the employee mental health assistance program, she lent me books about personal concerns I had raised with her and she continually sent me articles and PROMPTs about day to day things that had come up on my shift. The same CSN encouraged me to see a GP about being flushed and sweaty all the time, so sweaty.
I didn’t know it then but I had developed a cardiac condition around the time I started my graduate year, every time I had those uncontrollable flushes and sweats that made me feel like I was panicking and incapable, they were actually symptoms of my condition which had also put immense stress on my body but without the support of my educator, I would have continued to think it was just anxiety because I wasn’t cut out to be a nurse.
Those first few months…
I wouldn’t wish them on anyone, but I know there are graduates going through it. I believe I needed to go through those months to grow and become a better and more capable nurse. Along the way, I was also lucky enough to come across some excellent nurses who were kind enough to share stories of their struggles as a graduate nurse too, which further highlighted how bad we are with speaking about our struggles and addressing imposter syndrome as a cohort. These nurses also pushed until they felt broken before reaching out for support and they acknowledged, almost all of them that if they had been aware of what they were feeling, they may have reached out a lot sooner.
So, the lesson is this…
Things did not get better until I spoke up and leaned on my education and ward teams for their support. If you have started your graduate year and you are overwhelmed and insecure about your practice, if you have feelings of inadequacy and like you shouldn’t be there or somehow you didn’t earn your degree and a place on this hospitals program, it’s OK.
You are not failing; you are not worthless, and you are meant to be there, but you need to let the appropriate people know so they can help you overcome the mental block. Whatever plans they come up with, know that these strategies are not to highlight your feelings of failure but to help you develop and overcome something that is more common than we like to admit. Ask for help. Be kind to yourself. Take time for yourself. And breathe, you got this!
Tips
- Go back to your core learning – Revise so that you can know you know what you are doing and be confident in your assessment and choices.
- Speak up – If you are struggling. As new graduates, we have the support there. This is the time to find your feet and you can do it!
- Reach out – Make sure you are taking care of yourself and get linked into wellness supports.
- Find a mentor – That doesn’t have to be your preceptor but find someone who you have a good rapport with and who is willing to answer your questions and discuss your insecurities.
- Be yourself – Stop trying to be who you think you need to be. Just be you but with you know, a nursing degree, you got this!
- Resources for nurses experiencing imposter syndrome
Some helpful links:
https://www.smilingmind.com.au/healthcare-worker-program
https://www.acn.edu.au/nursestrong
https://www.ausmed.com.au/cpd/articles/nurse-imposter-syndrome
Check out all the other MUST READ student and graduate nurse related articles HERE!
Looking for our next guest! Are you or do you know of an Aussie healthcare worker/student who would like to write about your/thier area of speciality, unique experiences or other nursing/midwifery/allied health related content then please email Jackson at hello@thenursebreak.org to discuss further or check out the Write for TNB Info Page on the website.
